Here at Brave People Solutions, we keep coming up against conflict. Not our own, but in the teams we work with and support. One of the hardest things about conflict is that it is not natural to want to constructively address it. Most people tell us ‘I was hoping it would go away’. Another challenge is that most of us have not had a significant number of role models to show us how to positively address conflict.
Usually time and space (and awareness) are needed for people to be able to reflect on their own behaviour and to accommodate how to get over conflict. This is especially true if the conflict has been long running, entrenched or very personal.
So how do we address it and think about conflict differently? Using the work of Cloke and Goldsmith, here is a checklist of some of the main ways to start collaborating and learning from conflicts . Everything on this list takes resilience, self-awareness and generosity to achieve.
What can I learn? Begin by recognising and affirming that the conflict you are experiencing can become a positive learning experience, pointing the way to opportunities for growth or change, or indicating the need to change a system or shift long held ways of thinking.
• Can you think of any ways the conflict you are considering can be looked at positively?
• Is there some way it can be seen as a learning experience or an opportunity for growth or change?
Empathy. Use empathy to place yourself in the other person’s shoes, while at the same time recognising that there is a difference between understanding their behaviour and condoning it, between forgiving them and forgiving what they did.
• Try to see things from the other person’s point of view. Why do you think they acted as they did? How might they be feeling?
• How might they see your actions?
• What could you learn about their motivations or interests that could help you understand what they want?
• How could you respond to them more skilfully as a result? Who could help you to do this?
Shift focus. Shift your focus from holding on to power and supporting your position, to sharing responsibility and supporting the interests on both sides.
• If you let go of the desire to hold on to your power or position, what might you learn as a result?
• What changes would you be willing to make?
• What would happen if the other person in the dispute did the same?
• What are your interests? What are theirs? What interests do you share? How might both be satisfied?
Focus on resolution. Focus your efforts beyond settlement to full resolution of all the underlying issues in the dispute.
• What would accommodation or settlement for settlement’s sake, leave out of the equation?
• What are the deeper underlying issues in your dispute?
• What would it take to resolve them?
• What do you need to let go of, to be more open to resolution?
• How can you bring these issues up so that they can be resolved?
Honesty. Be very honest with yourself and with the other person and give truthful and timely feedback.
• What feedback can you give the other person in the conflict that is truthful and appropriate and at the same time moves the conflict towards resolution?
• How long has it taken from the time of resolution for you to give it?
• Why so long?
• How can you shorten the time period for giving feedback?
• What feedback might the other person give you?
• What can you say to the other person that is truly honest and at the same time is clear and lacks personal judgements?
Collaboration. Search for collaborative alternatives that increase cooperation, create common ground and focus on shared interests.
• If you’re finding it hard to think of collaborative alternatives, explore this with someone who could help you.
• Either alone or with the other person you’re trying to collaborate with, brainstorm some of the things you could do together to increase your cooperation and partnership.
• Identify what you both might do to find or create common ground.
• Create a plan of action and times to check in to talk about your progress and next steps.
We help to build positive and effective teams and we know that conflict resolution is one of the most important of the essential communication skills for working well with others. You can do it and we can help you.
If your team needs help contact us on robyn.mercer@bravesolutions.com.au or tulsi.vandegraaff@bravesolutions.com.au and we will be happy to help you and your team.