Apologised? Do it right or don’t do it at all

Under the headline ‘Newton apologises for controversial jokes’, in the Sydney Morning Herald, Bert Newtown is quoted as saying ‘If I did offend somebody or anybody or a lot of people, I apologise – but I can’t promise I won’t do it again because that is the way I work’. Is that an apology?

In response to my disquiet about this, I found an article about the power of apology from Psychology Today and I am quoting it heavily here. It covers the physical and emotional benefits of an apology and sets out clearly how to give a powerful and effective apology.

Apology is not just a social nicety. It is an important ritual, a way of showing respect and empathy for the wronged person. It is also a way of acknowledging an act that, if otherwise left unnoticed, might compromise the relationship. Apology has the ability to disarm others of their anger and to prevent further misunderstandings. While an apology cannot undo harmful past actions, if done sincerely and effectively, it can undo the negative effects of those actions.

Apology is crucial to our mental and even physical health. Research shows that receiving an apology has a noticeable, positive physical effect on the body. An apology actually affects the bodily functions of the person receiving it—blood pressure decreases, heart rate slows and breathing becomes steadier.

Emotional Benefits of Apology
• A person who has been harmed feels emotional healing when he is acknowledged by the wrongdoer.
• When we receive an apology, we no longer perceive the wrongdoer as a personal threat.
• Apology helps us to move past our anger and prevents us from being stuck in the past.
• Apology opens the door to forgiveness by allowing us to have empathy for the wrongdoer.

Apology Benefits the Receiver and the Giver
• The debilitating effects of the remorse and shame we may feel when we’ve hurt another person can eat away at us until we become emotionally and physically ill. By apologising and taking responsibility for our actions we help rid ourselves of esteem-robbing self-reproach and guilt.
• Apology has the power to humble even the most arrogant. When we develop the courage to admit we are wrong and work past our resistance to apologising, we develop a deep sense of self-respect.
• Apologising helps us remain emotionally connected to our friends and loved ones. Knowing we have wronged someone may cause us to distance ourselves from the person, but once we have apologised we feel freer to be vulnerable and intimate.
• And there is another little-talked-about benefit: Since apologising usually causes us to feel humiliated, it can also act as a deterrent, reminding us to not repeat the act.

The Connection between Apology and Empathy
To forgive, most people need to gain some empathy and compassion for the wrongdoer. This is where apology comes in. When someone apologises, it is a lot easier to view him or her in a compassionate way. When wrongdoers apologise, we find it easier to forgive them.
This is likely because when someone confesses to and apologises for hurting us, we are then able to develop a new image of that person. Instead of seeing him through anger and bitterness, the person’s humility and apology cause us to see him as a fallible, vulnerable human being. We see the wrongdoer as more human, more like ourselves and this moves us.

Intention and Attitude
There are also two important underlying aspects of an apology—intention and attitude. These are communicated nonverbally to the person to whom you are apologising. If your apology does not come sincerely, it will not feel meaningful to the other person.

For the person you have wronged to feel this sincerity, the desire to apologise must come from within. You should never attempt an apology because someone else tells you it is the right thing to do, because the other person is expecting it or because it will get you what you want. Apologies that are used as manipulations or mere social gestures will come across as empty and meaningless.

How to Give a Meaningful Apology
If you have difficulties apologising, the following will teach you the most effective way to go about it. A meaningful apology communicates the three R’s: regret, responsibility and remedy.

Regret: statement of regret for having caused the hurt or damage
While your intention may not have been to cause harm, you recognise that your action or inaction nevertheless did hurt this person. This regret needs to be communicated. This includes an expression of empathy with an acknowledgement of the injustice you caused.

Responsibility: an acceptance of responsibility for your actions
This means not blaming anyone else and not making excuses for what you did. For an apology to be effective it must be clear that you are accepting total responsibility for your action or inaction. Therefore, your apology needs to include a statement of responsibility.

Remedy: a statement of willingness to remedy the situation
While you can’t undo the past, you can repair the harm you caused. Therefore, a meaningful apology needs to include a statement in which you offer restitution, or a promise to take action so that you will not repeat the behaviour.

Unless all three of these elements are present, the other person will sense that something is missing in your apology and he or she may feel short-changed.

In our experience in working with individuals and team, we have seen that an effective apology can:
• Build customer loyalty when service has gone wrong
• Address and remediate conflict between team members and let people focus on their jobs when there has been disagreement
• Smooth the way for letting go of past wrongs and reduce formal complaints and grievances when there has been poor behaviour.

We can help you support leaders and team members to build strong interpersonal skills to turn a challenging team environment around. If you would like to discuss this further, you can contact us at robyn.mercer@bravesolutions.com.au or tulsi.vandegraaff@bravesolutions.com.au

Scroll to top