Conflict and tension? It’s the gentle and strong skills that are needed
If you’re a leader, a team member, a husband, a wife, a friend or a parent or in another role, and you’re experiencing tension and conflict, you need both the gentle and the strong skills.
These are not ‘soft skills’. These are some of the hardest skills you will ever put into practice and yet they are fundamental to all healthy relationships and a positive working life. They require you to self-reflect, manage your challenging emotions, speak with care and speak up.
Some of these gentle and strong skills include:
Managing yourself and being open
- Breathe and pause before replying.
- Pay attention to what is happening in your body.
- If you are upset by something, notice the response within you.
- Summarise what the other person has said to ensure you have understood it even if you completely disagree. After your summary you can then say, And from my perspective I see it like this…
- Do your best to see it from the other person’s perspective and adopt a flexible rather than a fixed view.
Speaking up gently and appropriately
- Raise a concern as soon as you are able to as long as you are not completely taken over by upset and anger.
- If the way something is being expressed is getting in the way of receiving it, say that.
- Speak up if you’re upset so it doesn’t spill out. If you can’t work out how to, seek support to do this.
- Avoid avoidance. Avoiding conflict, tends to create a ricochet effect because you feel upset. Upset spills out. The other person responds to this spillage. You respond to that person and so it continues.
- Speak clearly, saying, when _____happened, I felt ________, and I’d like to talk about it.
- If you are ruminating over an interaction or the way you feel you have been treated, it is time to speak up.
- If you feel something is unfair, speak up, I’m not comfortable with that, it feels unfair to me.
- If you find yourself talking repeatedly to another about unfair treatment, speak up and speak directly to the person, I’d like to talk to you about what has been happening and how it feels to me….
Speaking up and standing up for what is OK and not OK
- Being able to say no, I’m sorry I can’t help you with that right now.
- Holding on to your values and ethics. This includes being able to speak up for yourself when it matters and providing encouragement and support to some-one else when it is of value to them.
- Modelling the behaviour at work that reflects both your personal values and ethics and also the requirements of your workplace as set out in the code of conduct. This can be hard to do if those around you are not behaving well.
- Where above and below the line behaviour has been agreed to as part of team standards (and in line with the code of conduct) be prepared to call out the below the line behaviour when you see it. Remember the importance of ‘the standard you walk past is the standard you accept’. If you haven’t seen the video that is the source of this quote, it is included here.
It can help if you can focus less on the consequences of speaking up and more on the need for truth, integrity and appropriate interactions in relationships.
Our experience is that speaking up and communicating with care generally leads to understanding and resolution if done at the earlier stages. If left unaddressed or words are unspoken, a spiral of tension and conflict is usually the result.
The consequences of not taking action early are far greater than any benefits that come from avoiding the conversation. We see this repeatedly in our work with broken and challenged teams and staff and my work with conflicted couples.
It is not always possible to do this gentle and strong communication without help. If you need assistance for your team, organisation or relationship, you can contact us at robyn.mercer@bravesolutions.com.au or tulsi.vandegraff@bravesolutions.com.au