When to speak up and when to let it go

Recently a good friend said to me ‘and we know you are not backwards in coming forward’ and I noticed this wasn’t said in an admiring tone.  It made me ponder the assertiveness I have fought hard to build, why I value it and why I was shocked that this attribute is not considered an asset.

The benefits of speaking up include:

  • Asking for clarification, help and support if needed. This seems to be valuable in work and life and we know that this ability supports professional and personal development, makes it easier to get on with what needs to be done and builds resilience.
  • Not stewing over things and making miscommunication worse. Talking about issues usually makes things better not worse.  It rarely harms a work or personal relationship to considerately raise issues and concerns with the intention of understanding where the other person is coming from and taking the chance to talk about your point of view.
  • Challenging bad behaviour, poor service or flat out rudeness. The ‘don’t make waves’ option generally benefits no-one in those circumstances.  The badly behaved don’t get the opportunity to improve, the poor service can’t be repaired and the rude person is rewarded for their rude behaviour rather than being called out on it.  And the team member, manager or customer on the receiving end of the bad behaviour walks away disgruntled and usually becomes determined to minimise interaction, never go back to the service provider or talk to their colleague again.  Another possible response is that the person who has previously been treated poorly approaches future interactions aggressively in anticipation of rudeness or poor service (if avoidance of further interaction is not an option).  This cycle is not useful for anyone.

Pick your battles – when to let it pass:

  • Genuinely not worth it. If an issue is one where you decide it can genuinely be let go or smoothed over with no harm done or lingering resentment or concerns.  Some issues are minor, or you can see the person is uncharacteristic in their behaviour or you are having a one-off interaction and it is appropriate to decide to let it go and to walk away with a smile on your face.
  • You know it is about you. If you are the one who is out of sorts or you know it is an issue which genuinely and perhaps unreasonably frustrates or angers you then it is something you can take responsibility for and let go of and walk away with a smile on your face.

Learning assertiveness to support speaking up

When training people to build assertiveness skills, we ask our coachees and workshop participants to challenge how they think about speaking up.  Assertiveness is not about being confrontational or hostile. Respect for yourself and other people always underpins assertive behaviour.  Some patterns of thinking which may need to be changed include the following:

  • My opinion doesn’t matter
  • It is not worth the fuss
  • Nothing will change anyway even if I speak up
  • You can’t expect anything better than this anyway
  • Don’t make a scene by expressing your unhappiness or lack of satisfaction
  • Raising issues just makes it worse.

What ways of thinking do you need to change to practice positive and constructive assertiveness as part of your interactions with the world?

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