A way of coping when things get very tough is by internalising or externalising. This framework is set out by Dr Lindsay C. Gibson, in her book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Internalising can be defined as behaviours that are directed around oneself internally in order to cope with difficult times. The Internaliser believes they have to change things. Externalising can be defined as behaviours that are directed outward from the individual and around others. Externalisers expect others to change for them
Dr Gibson highlights how internalising and externalising are the ways in which we deal with the world when we experience challenge and hardship. These are coping mechanisms we tend to develop early on in life, especially in situations where our needs weren’t fully met when we were young.
The preference for one or the other may be visible in our general approach to life, and as challenges intensify, these approaches will often become clearer. In fact, the more challenging the situation the more likely we will use our preferred way of coping in our response to issues, situations or challenges we face.
The lists below describe the extreme ends of this coping behaviour spectrum.
People who tend to exhibit internalising behaviour:
- are mentally active and love to learn things
- try to solve problems from the inside out by being self-reflective and trying to learn from their mistakes
- are sensitive and try to understand cause and effect
- see life as an opportunity to develop themselves and enjoy becoming more competent
- believe they can make things better by trying harder, and they instinctively take responsibility for solving problems on their own
- experience anxiety mainly from feeling guilty when they displease others and the fear of being exposed as imposters
- tend to be overly self-sacrificing and can become resentful of how much they do for others.
People who tend to have exhibit externalising behaviour:
- take action before they think about things
- they’re reactive and do things impulsively to blow off anxiety quickly
- tend to be less self-reflective, assigning blame to other people and circumstances rather than their own actions
- experience life as a process of trial and error but rarely use their mistakes to learn how to do better in the future
- are firmly attached to the notion that things need to change in the outside world in order for them to be happy, believing that if only other people would give them what they want, their problems would be solved
- have a coping style that is frequently so self-defeating and disruptive that other people have to step in to repair the damage from their impulsive actions
- feel that competent people owe them help and tend to believe that good things have come to other people rather unfairly
- tend to have either very low self-confidence or a sense of inflated superiority
- experience anxiety from the feeling that they will be shut off from the external sources their security depends upon.
What impact does this have at work?
It is useful to have a healthy and workable balance between reflecting on our own part in situations and also accepting the reality of how things have unfolded due to other people’s choices, responses or organisational realities.
We can learn skills for self-reflection and build our capacity to review our behaviour. I have written before that I believe if we manage other people, we have an obligation to build this capacity to self-reflect and also to commit to ongoing learning and professional development.
We have also seen that if we typically cope by using externalising behaviour, this can limit our ability to reflect, change and grow.
A team dominated by Externalisers
Some years ago, we worked with a team with so much conflict that it was preventing them from working effectively and their customers weren’t receiving the service they needed.
Our program was extensive and designed to help the team members to reflect on what had happened and to make changes in their own behaviour to repair the team dynamic. There was also strong organisational and leadership support for the team.
While the program was successful at supporting the team to work again at the functional level, it could not achieve the enhanced level of repair and rebuild that is usually possible because too many team members were convinced that for the team to work well again everyone else, other than them, needed to change. Capacity for self-reflection on their own behaviour was minimal and staff were focused on externalising the concerns of the team to other people.
Impact of Internalising or Externalising for Leaders
Building capability to balance self-reflection and personal change and also to influence and support others is important for leaders and managers. When we are coaching leaders and managers, we see that the reflection done by Internalisers often assists them to go beneath what is happening in their current challenges to examine some of the core values, beliefs or defining past experiences that have led to their current behaviours. This is a basis for being able to re-examine their approaches that have been useful and helpful and those that are not so useful.
For hard-core Internalisers, we encourage reflection that focuses on strengths, achievements and positive attributes as a way to balance out the critical self-talk that many engage in.
For those people whose tendency is to externalise, it can be hard for them to identify their own contribution to a situation and to take full accountability for their part in what happened.
For hard-core Externalisers, we encourage them to consider their own actions and even if they didn’t intend it, the extent to which their own behaviours contributed to things unfolding in less than favourable ways.
- What about you? Can you recognise yourself as an Externaliser or an Internaliser?
- What about the people you work with, do you see behaviours that show they have ways of coping that suggest they are Internalisers or Externalisers?
- How successful can a leader be who has predominantly externalising behaviour?
Let us know what you think?
We support leaders and teams. Contact robyn.mercer@bravesolutions.com.au or tulsi.vandegraaff@bravesolutions.com.au if you’d like to discuss this topic and the impact it has on your team or leadership.
Photo by Mikhail Vasilyev on Unsplash