A recent newspaper advice column addressing the question: I find it difficult to be assertive. How can I change to become a more confident person? caught my attention because it advises the same techniques we use in leadership and team development programs and coaching.
Here is the main part of the response.[1]
But you can become a more confident person the same way you became a less confident one – by honing the act. Write phrases and scripts for the things you find hard to say and practise them out loud, literally. Say “I don’t think that’s quite right” and “I’d rather not” over and over – find an inflection you’re happy with that sounds polite but firm. That way when a real situation makes you start to shrink, you don’t have to simultaneously find your words and calm yourself. You can just reach for the performance and deliver it through the nerves. Being confident is like any other skill: better when you’ve practised, and best trained before trying it in front of a crowd.
The article goes on to address the issue of making personal change and the impact it can have on those around us:
Being more confident might annoy or confuse the people who knew you to be submissive. They might ask what’s wrong or why you’re angry. This will be difficult, especially if it means enduring little reminders of the social censure that made you afraid to be yourself in the first place. It’s hard to feel you’re not as liked or approved of as you could be. But try to hang on to the lesson that many of us learn too late: it’s not worth chasing other people’s esteem if we have to forfeit self-esteem to get it.
Do you hope to be more confident in 2021? Is it a year for you to speak up more often?
Here is tested and straightforward framework we use in training and coaching (and use ourselves) to assist to write down the words and phrases you want to say.
- When I see or hear… (describe the behaviour as neutrally as possible and avoid it sounding like an accusation).
- I feel… (your response to the situation, which you take responsibility for. Try to avoid it sounding like blame)
- And what I’d like is… (try to be open and avoid your request sounding like a demand)
So, go ahead and practice. Try it out on people around you in low emotion situations so that you are ready for the trickier situations should they arise. Good luck!
Please call Robyn on 0408 70 33 44 or Tulsi on 0423 300 590 if you would like to discuss options for professional development for your team or organisation.
[1] Eleanor Gordon-Smith in The Guardian 28 January 2021